Dust rolled beyond the wide-wooden wheels of the most outrageous wagon Farhills had ever seen. Brilliant, sapphire silk swathed the top of the clattering wagon. Purple velvet leads draped across the wide bottom of a single ox, golden bells jingled all about the animal's traces. The wagon itself showed a recent coat of sun-bright yellow paint. Bold green stars spotted along the sides, dashing between vibrant red letters labeling the traveler:

Hipskin's Fantabulous Wagonload of Wonder. Absolutely Everything for Next to Nothing.

The townsfolk, hidden cowering behind closed doors, squinted their eyes to read the thin black lines of a disclaimer painted thoughtfully under the brazen claim: No Magic-Mongers! Jonni don't do magic.

The wagon meanered off to one side of the dirt road, as though intent upon staying. A small, pudgy hand reached out of the driver's overhang to pull on the handbrake. Out jumped a short, curvy woman dressed in the most outrageous fashions, overshadowing even the brilliance of her wagon.

Bold orange pantaloons covered the more than generous curve of thick hips, topped off with a vibrant purple silk sash slashed through the middle of the diminutive woman. A frilly baby blue shirt fluffed over the voluptuous bosom, while a daisy yellow lace bonnet covered her round head, and red velvet boots covered her tiny feet.

The dainty woman, probably little more than half the height of an average man, paused and seemed to look about the empty streets curiously. With a shrug, she reached to open the side of her cart, laying out a generous display of her exotic wares and pulling down a sturdy box to stand on. She next drew a shiny black cane off her wagon seat, and began barking her wares.

"Good people of Farhills! I, Jonni Hipskin, welcome you to the greatest caravan in the known world. Hipskin's Fantabulous Wagonload of Wonder! Where we have absolutely everything for next to nothing. That means you, the average citizen, can have a piece of the wonders of the world, for a very little percentage of your average pay!"

Again, Jonni paused, scratching her stubbled chin, looking about in consternation as customers failed to come pouring over to her magnificent display. So, a challenge had been presented. Jonni Hipskin never ran from a challenge. And she began again, waving her cane around with even more flashing displays.

"You, sir! Behind that salon door over there. Tell me truly, did you not ever wish to own an exotic art piece crafted by the Eastern Elves, known world-wide as the most erotic artisans ever to exist? Think of the conversations ensuing as you display it over your mantel."

Nothing.

Jonni frowned, tugged her purple sash back down into place, and tried again.

"And you, Madam, peeping through those curtains over there? Just think of the talk at your next tea party. You could serve the original Mountain Haze teas, blended by the hands of the Mountain Gnomes, themselves. Why, I even have an authentic gnomish teapot. Of course, I can't guarantee that the thing will actually work." She chuckled widely, placing her hands at her stomach and jolting her shoulders up and down with mirth. Casually, she peeked about the barren street.

A small child peeked out of a doorway, the girl's eyes wide with wonder. The hand of an adult reached out to snatch the girl back, but too late. She ran down the road toward the flashy woman.

"Well!" Jonni turned to the girl, keeping an attentive ear behind them, just in case a vengeful parent should also come running out. Experience showed, the parents had the gold. "What have we here? What's your name, young miss?"

"Samantha," the girl slurred through a mouthful of fingers, her body swaying back and forth shyly.

"Well, Samantha, you can call me Auntie Jon. How about that?" Jonni's light fingers grabbed something off her cart and hid it behind her back. She bent just slightly to look the small child in the eye.

"Why do you have hairs on your chin? Mommy says it's the sign of a witch. Are you a witch?" The girl reached out with wet fingers to tug at the bristles on Jonni's chin.

Jonni laughed heartily and allowed Samantha's curiosity, proclaiming loudly. "No, not a witch. I'm a dwarf, sweetie. And, how many other children do you know have a dwarf for an auntie?"

"None!" Samantha watched the colorful dwarf's every move with wide dark eyes.

"So, how many children do you know like toys?" Jonni pulled a blue gingham-checked doll out from behind her back.

Samantha grasped the toy eagerly, an immediate expression of adoration crossing the sweet face.

A sword-point poked into the middle of Jonni's back.

She quickly raised her arms out and to the side, palms wide, and turned slowly, proclaiming, "No charge, sir. The doll is a gift. But what can I help you with...?" Her sales pitch stopped cold as she saw a dozen black-masked faces staring coldly at her, a dozen very sharp blades pointed her way. "Wow! You guys sure came up fast. I didn't even hear all that armor jingling around. Sounds like you've been to the fantastic Jungles of Nueren. Wonderful people there, if a little xenophobic. Say, I don't suppose..."

"Come with us," came a blank, metallic voice from one of the dozen, Jonni couldn't say which. "Emperor Impervious wishes to see you."

"Shock troops! Shock troops!" Samantha ran down the street, screaming in horror, and disappeared behind a quickly slammed door.

"Well, surprising, certainly. But I would hardly call them a shock," Jonni muttered to herself. The sword-point poked a little nearer the flesh. "Hey!" Jonni whirled around on them and smacked one in the kneecap with her cane. "I got no problem with going, but I'm a caravan leader. Where I go, my cart goes. You got a problem with that, you can just kill me right here, right now."

The shock troops raised their swords in unison.

"Just joking," Jonni assured them with an ingratiating smile, raising her hands again. "Boy, you guys don't know much about humor, do you? Look, just let me grab a couple of things I think the Emperor might like, and I'll be right along. You can go ahead, I'll catch up."

The sword point bit at her flesh.

"Another joke. Another joke. Okay, all ready. Let's go." Jonni held tightly to a wide, plain leather case, then began following as the swarm moved down the road. "Say, I don't suppose you guys would mind stopping off at an inn somewhere along the line? I sure would like to clean up a bit before meeting your generous Emperor."

Another little nibble from the sword.

"I'll take that as a firm no. So, let's go! What's taking you guys so long?"

After a healthy jog down a queerly barren stretch of road, the swarm lead her through the front gates of a swiftly deteriorating chateau. With little pomp or circumstance, Jonni found herself hauled in down a grand foyer, and forced to her knees before a cockeyed, twisted throne. At the moment, it stood empty.

About to comment on the invisible emperor's wonderful wardrobe, a man in the balcony began bellowing with a distinctly noticeable lisp.

"His Royal Supremeness, Ruler of All He Sees, and a Damn Fine Checkers Player, Emperor Impervious the Only!"

A tall, gangly man with a hawkish face stumbled forth from the wings, draped in emerald green jesters clothes, complete with the belled hat. He flopped a long, green-dyed fur cloak aside, tripped over the immense train, and fell into the throne. Sideways, of course.

"Greetings Your Royal Supremeness, Ruler of All You See, and a Damn Fine Checkers Player, Emperor Impervious the Only," Jonni recited the recently learned accomplishments of the fool. "I am Jonni Hipskin, of Hipskin's Fantabulous Wagonload of Wonder, Absolutely Everything for Next to Nothing. No magic-mongers. Jonni don't do magic. But anything else, yes, anything else you could possibly want, I could possibly have. For a very reasonable price."

The emperor stared down at her, wide crossed-eyes focusing vaguely in her general direction. "Anything?"

"Anything." A bead of sweat broke out across her brow.

"A crown. I want a crown." The emperor glared at her. "But not just any crown. I want the most wonderful, magnificent crown ever seen. I want a crown that just looking at it upon my noble brow, all things will fall down to their knees and bow to me as their rightful ruler. Do you have such a crown?"

Jonni gulped, and reached down into her bag. "Actually, I do have just such a thing. Hang on just one minute, here. I know it's in this bag somewhere. Just one more..." she dug around in the case. The most horrendous clattering noises came from within.

"Ahah" she cried out in victory, and held up a dented brass bedpan with a wide grin. "The most wonderful, fantastic, amazing crown you've ever seen! Is it not beautiful? Does it not glow with power? Imagine it setting upon your noble brow. Imagine the flirting of the ladies when they see you in this wonderful gem. Yours, for the price of a mug of ale."

The emperor's crossed blue eyes gazed in wonder at the bedpan, a thin line of spittle falling from a generous bottom lip. "Oh, yes, it is everything I've ever wanted." Then he fell back into an apathetic pile in the middle of his crooked throne. "But, I don't want to pay for it."

"I'll tell you what I am going to do." Jonni dug deep again, with the same amount of fuss and noise. She smiled, winked at him, and pulled out a burnt, bent, and broken fire poker. "I will give you this magnificent crown, and this matching scepter, which I'm told has a secret trick to it, and all you have to do is give me free passage out of your...lovely little village."

Emperor Impervious the Only looked curiously to his masses of shock troops, his mouth screwed into a wad of indecision. "What's the secret magic?"

"Well, now," Jonni said with a secretive wink, "if I knew what the magic was, then it wouldn't be a secret now, would it? What do you say? Do we have a deal?" A thin trail of sweat slipped down the middle of her back as she watched the persimmon-like pucker of the thinking fool.

"Give it here, give it here! A deal. The deal is made. Now, get out of here. All of you! I don't want anyone to know the secret!" Emperor Impervious screamed hysterically, thrusting the dented brass bedpan atop his head, waving the poker about with mad laughter.

Jonni ran quickly from the room, and all the way back to her wagon. She stopped there, leaning against the bright yellow wood, holding her side against a painful stitch, her breathing ragged but a broad smile on her wide, stubbled face. "Yes, sir. Another satisfied customer of Hipskin's Fantabulous Wagonload of Wonder."

THE END